Corey Feldman Drama Academy for Mature Women
Monologue written for Cat Fight, 2013
ANDY, an older actress in a professional outfit, stands on stage. She takes a moment to set herself and a spotlight is cast. She delivers her lines cheerfully and with enthusiasm!
Welcome Everyone! I am Andy Everglade, (cutely) in the flesh, star of 1977’s Pillowfight Slaughter 2, and 3 time winner of TBS’s MILF award.
This afternoon, I have the immense pleasure of cutting the ribbon at Acton, California’s very own Corey Feldman Certified Pre-Owned Honda Dealership AND Drama Academy for Mature Women! Now you might be saying, an acting studio attached to a car dealership, what’s the big idea, Andy? Well, let me tell you.
Mr. Feldman believes that used cars, like women over 50, may seem practically undriveable to the outside world, but in actuality, they have a few good years left in them! That’s right! Want to star alongside Harrison Ford [beat] as his elderly aunt with Alzheimers? Then look no further! Take it from me, there are plenty of challenging and exciting roles as Television Divorcees, Grandmothers and even Great, Great Grandmothers to go around! And that doesn’t even scratch the surface! Last year, using Mr Feldman’s methods, I landed not one but TWO commercials for Life Alert’s new product: Hot Flash Emergency Warning!!
Still not sure if you want to come and visit? That’s fine! We are a full service garage too! Come get your oil changed and pick up a pamphlet about our diverse array of classes! While you wait, feel free to peruse through a magazine from our library of age-appropriate reading material. Trust us, we cater to YOUR interests such as menopause, Oprah and minimizing ghastly wrinkles with a mixture of avocado and semen!
But acting isn’t all about being pampered like a STAR! Here at The CFDAMW, we also want to prepare you for the real world! For just 6 small payments of $25.99, our resident mechanic will make sure you are ready for the experience of auditioning as a middle-aged woman by refusing to make eye contact with you, refusing to make eye contact with you, and refusing to make eye contact with you.
With Mr. Feldman’s knowledge and guidance in your corner, you will be scoring Osteoporosis Commercials in no time! Act Now! For this weekend only, Mr. Feldman has graciously agreed to hire young Models to visit the Academy. That way, we will know who to stand behind when the time is right!
So, come on down!
A model, CHELSEA, struts on stage and stands directly in front of Andy. She does various poses. Andy fights to be seen.
Thank you, Chelsea. [deep breath] This feels right!